Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
