You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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