I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
