This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
