I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
