I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
