I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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