Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
