if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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