On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
