So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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