I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
