i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I smell like Dick and happiness
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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