I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
