Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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