me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
