She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
