I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
