i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
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My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
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Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize