can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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