My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
if i died would you start the facebook group?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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