Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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