I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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