Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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