Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
