Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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