I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
