Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
