There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
