Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The feeling are messing with the penis
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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