mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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