I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Holy sore nipples Batman
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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