You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We need to rekindle our bromance
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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