In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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