New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
