Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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