My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
