i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
