She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
