I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
