How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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