she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
