i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
