I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
