If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
