Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
