so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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