nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
