who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
