i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
