I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
