i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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