So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
