I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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