I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
