Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
