I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
