Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Sober January is a disaster.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
