Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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