Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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