I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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