There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
