i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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